Well well, here I am back again for those of you that feel like reading what's been going on in my crazy world. With all the madness, chaos, and change we have seen lately I wasn't sure I had too much to say about my own little life because let's face it so many people out there have had soooo much on their own plate and it almost feels wrong talking about me, like why would anyone want to read about me? I felt as though for a little while I didn't have much to say - like not much has happened but I realised the other week that I needed to pick up the laptop and jot some words down about what has been happening as it has been almost 3 months since I had last written anything and I had forgotten how natural this coping mechanism felt. I still feel weird writing like who wants to actually read this random crap in my head, but here we are. I'm kind of at this fork in the road where I'm so lucky because so many people had seemed invested in our story when I first started writing, but then so many of them stopped asking us about it, whether it be through lack of care, whether it be that I can come across standoffish, not approachable, whether it be someone else's opinion of me, or us that they have shared with you and you had taken it on as your own opinion I'm not really sure. I have been contemplating writing something for weeks, I've asked Katie is there a point to doing any of this, she said to me that it makes you feel good so just do it.
I want to talk about how I actually thought that when this virus started taking over, that this would be a dark time for me, Katie and I discussed that Shiloh and I would stay home and I would only go to the supermarket on my own when Katie was home and I literally thought if there's ever a time for someone to fall into a weird/ lonely headspace it's now. It seemed like we were stuck in time there for a little while. Surprisingly I managed to feel pretty good actually. The world can be a weird place and so many people spend their lives trying to find how they fit into it, I'm lucky though because in my head I fit into it living my little life with my beautiful family and that's enough purpose for me. I genuinely thought I would struggle being locked indoors in a world of the unknown, but funnily enough, I grew to appreciate the little things more. Going in the car as a family to pick up dinner was fun to me, spending my days at home with our girl allowed me to get comfortable into some sort of structure - which trust me, changes on the daily but YOLO whatever works for us. I felt as though this way of life made me feel sheltered and so weird at times, but I was happy because we all had our health on our side and whatever you believe about the virus, it is what it is to me, I'm just happy that I have a healthy family. I felt as though some of this really was a blessing- in my eyes, I was quite literally watching Shiloh develop in front of me and I know a lot of people aren't lucky enough to be by their child's side every single day, but I can't imagine not being here. She's my best friend. I have learned so much lately, I've discovered things about myself and I'm starting to accept that I have some sort of inner strength. I have learned I have many people in my life but I can count on one hand who would truly, hand on their heart, be here for me if I needed them, and I'm ok with that. Katie mentioned to me last week about how she was at work talking to her colleagues and she brought up to me that she had said to them, how she is so lucky that Shiloh gets to spend every day with her Mama J, she said I told them I love Jess for everything she is, how lucky am I that our little girl gets to spend the days with her Mama, and she's shaping her to be the most beautiful little human- when I say I melted!!!!
I get annoyed and I even get pissed off with myself for getting annoyed in the first place, but I feel as though now that I've had time to process some of this trauma, that it almost feels unfair that we missed out on this magical experience that is a calm birth. I can't imagine an alternate positive ending to that day, and it sucks because we had decided on one baby only and this was before any of this happened. Even after Shiloh was born, Katie and I had spoken numerous times and conversations went like, like 'Imagine if we knew we could have another exactly like her, could we do it?' We always thought money would be a factor that would get in our way and it just wouldn't be possible. Katie to this day, cannot imagine standing by my side and doing that again, yes overall a beautiful little girl has blessed our world, but we can't help but live in fear that maybe luck wouldn't be on our side next time, it's terrifying. There's no way I could ever be brave enough to go through that again, the thought of it gives me anxiety. I will never know what it feels like to have a positive, natural birthing experience, and yes I have a happy healthy girl who I wouldn't give up the world for but I still feel annoyed, like it was stolen from me. I want to get excited when someone talks about bringing a baby into the world, not be sitting here, fearing for their life in my own head. Maybe this sounds weird to people reading this but it's the best way I can describe it. I hate that this stuff isn't spoken about, still, as a society, it's easier to ignore it once the time has passed, it's easier to pretend like it didn't happen. Maybe some people can't relate, they're scared to ask questions or maybe we don't know what to say, either way, something needs to change because to me it feels like these things are just not spoken about enough. I truly thought I was coping with everything so well, almost too well. Seven months since Shiloh was born and I had come so far, especially given the current circumstances of the world. In my head maybe I believed I had got over this part of my life, maybe the growth after it all outweighed the trauma. Or maybe, just maybe, I was shutting out pieces of the puzzle.
I'm going to start this paragraph, by saying I have heard the term 'Trigger Warning' although never experiencing one myself I had worked out in my mind how one would work. That was until, last week. I was scrolling through my morning Instagram casually watching influencers stories when I came across one who had recently had a baby herself. I found myself obviously intrigued by her news and as soon as she spoke about having to undergo surgery a week following her labour due to an infection a wave came over me. It was as though it started in my toes and traveled up my body all the way to my head, I felt almost crippled by emotion as I sat there wondering what is actually happening to me. Tears poured out of my eyes and I sat there, on my lounge, literally sobbing to myself as the memories came flooding back in my head. It was at that moment that I realized I needed to seek help again because I have this cloud hanging above my head following me around and it's full of memories from that terrifying time and I need to help myself and let that rain out. The next day I decided to take my daughter for a walk to the supermarket to get some air and exercise, I was wandering the aisles and I looked up to walk down an aisle and I saw standing in front of me, the Midwife that delivered my daughter. I almost choked on my own saliva and B lined for the back of the store, I knew she saw me because she wanted to get the hell out of there quick smart and headed for the door. I hid, me a 30-year-old woman, hid in the back of the store until I saw her leave because the thought of her, on the scariest day of my life still terrifies me. I wonder if when she saw me did she wonder if I have been doing okay? If I've got over it yet? Or is she herself haunted by that day? This is what was running through my mind that filled with endless questions and thoughts. How is it fair that I'm just out getting groceries, living my life and one person can send shooting pains all through my body, it just feels so unfair to me. I wake up most days and honestly feel so full of life experience and power and I tell myself how god damn lucky I am to live this incredible life. I have fought a million battles in my life already and I'm forever being told how strong I am from those closest to me for going through this insane ride, but some days I don't believe any of it. I am my own worst enemy and when I'm asked how I am, I find my mind filling up with comments like Gurllll you fine, you are so lucky, you have the best baby, you have nothing to be anxious about- see the problem. I was so worried to tell Katie that things had been a bit crazy in my head over the past week like I felt like I had to be tough or something, I guess 7 months later people stop asking questions, they think you just get over something like that, they think it all disappears and I almost felt ashamed that I wasn't dealing as well as I thought. We had a couple of drinks and I took a deep breath and told her I needed to talk, the words fell out of me "It has been really hard for me lately, I've found myself not feeling as well as I thought I should and I've booked in to see the Psychologist." Of course, Katie was scratching her head asking the question why would I ever feel scared to tell her that I needed a bit of help and a hug and some extra love. At that moment, I remembered who I was talking to, the girl who has the biggest place in her heart for me, the girl who always comforts me and tells me 'We got this' my favorite Woman in the world, my Wife.
From the bottom my heart I really want this story to go somewhere, I want people to know about it, I want it to reach people that need to read it, I want Mamas to sit at home read these words from my heart and know that they are not alone in birth trauma. I want women to have voices, and not be afraid to tell their story. I don't know if I should create a space for other Mamas to share their experiences both the good and bad, I don't know how to do any of this but I know I need to do something. My inbox is always open, as is my heart. Please, talk about the hard times in peoples lives, even if it upsets or hurts you, even if the words are hard to say, I guarantee you that person will appreciate the fact that you care, that you have taken the time out of your life to show them they mean enough to you to ask how things are going. This just starts at Mamas, and it goes so far beyond that. Everyone is fighting their own battles, and so many are fighting them alone. Ask your mate, neighbour, colleague if they want a coffee and be genuine and show them you care, most importantly listen to them, this is the greatest advice I can give you, I'm no expert but if this is the sign you were looking for to pick up the phone, please do it. You will thank me later.
Every day is a new day, and every second of every day is a blessing. There's a purpose behind all of this, there's a reason this happened, and there's a reason this happened to us. I've just got to find out what all of this means now, what to do with it all, and where to go from here.
With all of my love, from all of my heart, I'm thankful for you sticking around on this journey.
Jess
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