So I know I have been MIA for quite some time, and I sincerely apologise for that, truth be told that every time I would pick up my laptop I wouldn't know where to start or what to say. I've had fellow Mamas asking me when I was going to start writing again and honestly the self-doubt can be destroying to any confidence I think that I have. I really mean it when I say I'm my own worst enemy, worst critic because I'm so raw in my emotions and feelings and I put it out there hoping someone may read it and relate but then the self doubt comes rushing over me. One of my friends told me to not write for anybody else, write it for myself, this has become part of my story and if someone reads it and loves it thats a bonus. She's right, being open and honest does some sort of self healing and self growth and I need to stop worrying about what anybody else may think of me putting myself out there.
So to those of you that read and find comfort in knowing that your wild rollercoaster of emotions while doing this Mama gig are normal, for those of you who read these snippets of our life because your genuinely interested in our story, those that read because they just want to be in the know, those that have never met me or personally know me but choose to tune in and those that love and truly care about our family and this journey we are on I want to say thank you for taking out time in your lives to be apart of our story.
A few people have told me recently that it takes a special person to be able to capture an audience and allow them to feel what I feel with real and raw emotion when you read through my posts on Journey of a Rainbow Mama, if you are one of these people- thank you. I just needed to say that because when I first pulled out my laptop I never expected to get the amount of engagement that I did, let alone think that anybody would come on this emotional journey with me.
What's been happening lately? Well, I feel like so much has changed since we last spoke or I wrote last, I'll fill you in on a few. Just when I think things couldn't get harder, they did and it really tested me. Relationships ended while new ones blossomed and I actually found the time to start doing something for myself. I decided to take the leap to become the healthiest version of myself. Since October, I joined a gym and F45 and I have officially lost over 18kg. I never would have thought this was possible but honestly it has been so refreshing to do something solely for me. I take an hour out of my day to do something for myself and I feel unstoppable. The pandemic we are living through has truly taken it's toll on a lot of people and if it wasn't for the gym I speak honestly when I say I wouldn't know where I'd be. It's a mental outlet and it keeps me on the right track to help myself heal and to really look after myself.
I think I've come to the realisation that I am on a different level to people in my life who I felt the closest to. It became pretty clear to me when I realised who actually checked in with me genuinely, who listened to me when things were hard - and I know this shit is all pretty heavy sometimes and I don't blame anyone for not understanding. The thing is you don't actually have to understand but genuinely caring and listening can really do a lot for a person. I guess what I'm trying to say is I generally rely on a couple of key perople in my life and they are all actually family so that way I can be open and honest and know that whatever I say to them stays where it should, and I am never judged.
I started back at work- only part time (5 months ago) and it has been a real struggle and adjustment for me in which I am still trying to get used to. I want to say I cried most days for the first 8 weeks of the transition because truth be told Shiloh struggled with the adjustment. Everyone tried to tell me she'll be fine, she will get used to it and deep down I knew she would. It was me that I was worried about and also the selfish part of me wanted her to hate it, I wanted her to want to be with me and me only. I wanted to be needed, to feel like I was the only one who would make everything better and I know that sounds selfish but my mind runs like a jet and sometimes it doesn't know how to stop. This is your sign that if you feel like crap for going back to work, if you feel sad, guilty or like no one understands you or how you feel, that you are not alone because I am the exact same, you are definitely not alone.
I actually think I really want to write a book, I truly have no idea where to start but I am so passionate about the awareness of birth trauma, the life that follows that post trauma and the relationships and emotions you experience. I know I probably have a different relationship with both Katie and Shiloh because of what we've all been though. Shiloh is extremely attached to me and I know I've probably made her like that because of how attached I am to her, as well as Katie. I hate it when I don't see her, she gives me a comforting safe feeling that I can't explain. She knows when I need to be reminded that I'm doing a fantastic job or when to take over because things get too hard for me. She works hard for us to have this wonderful life because she's selfless and knows how much I need the time I have with Shiloh.
If you're a person who has experienced medical, physical or emotional trauma in your life (that can be any kind of trauma) and you are living your life post trauma and wondering if it's normal to feel sad, depressed, scared and broken about what has happened time to time, know that you are not alone. As human beings we are taught to grow from negative experiences or to move on or even forget it happened. I personally think that's all bullshit because we are humans with emotions, feelings, reactions and most importantly a memory of what we have been through. I struggle to feel relatable as a Mum with PTSD and anxiety. I feel like no one understands how I feel or what I'm going through because I'm the only one who has walked my path. As much as that is okay to be the only one who 'gets it', its still hard sometimes. About two months ago I grabbed my phone and wrote down something that happened to me, now keep in mind I'm 20 months post trauma at this stage:
' Imagine you've been relaxing in bed, scrolling through your phone and you decide to call it a night. You lay your head down to rest, pull the blankets down as you start to feel your mind slip away... Hours pass, you're now in a deep sleep, until all of a sudden you're wide awake. You've woken up to yourself sitting upright in bed and your chest feels like its on fire. Once you come to your senses you realise you have woken to yourself clawing your own nails into the skin on your neck with no idea how or why this has happened. You go back to sleep and wake up in the morning wondering why your neck is so sore, you look into the mirror and see the damage you have done. In your sleep, your safe space you have managed to somehow inflict pain on yourself with no comprehension how or what this even means. I don't have to imagine, any of this, this is just another day in my life. A day where one second everything is perfect and the next you're drowning in your own anxiety and your mind is crippled by your own trauma.'
I read this back now and it frightens me how in a moment I can become so terrified by my trauma but I am choosing to share this moment in time with you because I like to be transparent as possible and share with you all how real this is. Lets talk about these shitty times and these crazy moments because its when you feel alone and afraid that things become the heaviest and you sometimes need to be reminded that we all have skeletons in our closet that we are afraid of but we must remember we are never alone.
Love Love Love xx
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