The Best and Worst day of my life - Part I

So it's taken me three months to finally put my fingers on a keyboard and write my big heart out for the world to read, this is my story. I've written this from both my heart and my mind and filled with so much emotion and memories so please bear with me through this story, I am no writer. I'm typing this with a wine in my hand, cutting myself some slack and reminding myself of what we've been through as a family. This may be a coping mechanism for me but I only hope reading this will somehow help somebody see the light in their dark place. This is the story of the day I was gifted the most beautiful little human. She laid on my chest and I knew from the moment our hearts beat together that no matter what is ever thrown at me, I will always be ok because I got to feel a love like hers.

This is Part I

The funny thing about life is we are served up the wildest of rides, the highest of highs and yet we are handed some moments that we will fear throughout the rest of our lives. How so much fear, trauma and pain can bring you so much love, euphoria and peace I'm not sure I'll ever understand, but I'm ok with that because feeling all of these emotions will forever be enough for me, I don't need to understand how.

There is a prequel to our story, I'm going to write about the day I gave birth and then take you all back to the beginning in my next post. This is not only a story, a recount, but this is to educate people on our journey and how much we went through as a couple and as human beings to bring this new life into the world.

Waking up on the morning of Tuesday the 12th of November I wasn't sure what emotions to feel I was so excited because I knew we were closer to meeting our baby girl and I wasn't compelled by fear because I had always told myself you can do this, you will be fine, you will be ok, your body was made to do this and your body will never give you more pain in labour then you are ever able to physically endure. I was nervous but I'd almost say my wife Katie, was probably more worried then I was as she's more of a realist and often worries about the what-ifs and before this day I was the most important person in her world.

Katie burst into tears on the way to the hospital that morning as we were on our way with our bags packed knowing we wouldn't be coming back home until there were three of us. She held my hand while driving and said to me I am so scared something will happen to you today, I can't have anything happen to you, I can't do this without you, I can't be me without you. Was this some kind of weird sixth sense she was having? I looked at her and said 'Babe you know I will be fine, nothing bad will happen to me, don't stress we got this, we're in this together.' 'I told her I would show her how to feed our daughter as soon as she's here I will show you how to dress her and change her nappy.' Well, I couldn't have been more wrong.

Arriving at the Hospital we met with my Midwife I had been seeing throughout my pregnancy (Let's call her A) as I was in the GCUH MGP program and was assured this was the best care possible within the Hospital, I was feeling as ready as I could have ever been to have this baby. We arrived at 7:30 as we had been booked in for an induction due to being 41 + 5 days, unfortunately, we had no idea what to expect when getting an induction. I guess it comes down to lack of education on our behalves for not researching enough but also poor education from my medical team as there was no information given to us before this day, and giving our full trust to those within the medical team at the Hospital. Upon arrival my Midwife examined me and I was already 4cm dilated she hooked me up to the CTG machine and it was measuring my uterine contractions that were happening on their own although I could not feel it, I was in natural labour. At 8:30 am the Midwife decided to attempt to break my waters to see if labour would happen on its own, after an attempt she was unsure if the waters had broken as very little water came out. Katie and I were scratching our heads as if to say now what? She explained we would wait an hour and see if the contractions sped up naturally or if she would start me on the Oxytocin drip. This is the part that should probably have never happened. At 9:30 am she hooked up my drip explained that if I wasn't in labour that this would do nothing to me. After about 15 mins I started to feel contraction pain, my god it started horrendous. My parents were wandering the hospital food court after knowing we were getting induced, they were filled will overwhelming excitement they couldn't contain, we could see them on Snapchat maps and told them to come in to see us, my Dad had even taken the day off work and he NEVER takes the day off. I remember him sitting across from me watching my face change in pain as he started to time the contractions on his phone, it felt like they came on so hard so quickly with no pain tolerance build-up at all so it felt as though it went from 0 to 1000. After a short time, a Midwife who was new at GCUH and was orientating in the Hospital Joined us, (Let's call her B) and she immediately made me feel comfortable. I remember A bringing in the gas to me to try for pain relief as I had started to metamorph into something I can't explain. I had forgotten all about pain relief as I had wanted to do this as natural as possible and induction was enough unnatural for me for one day. I remember them saying to me at 12:30 pm that I was already 8cm dilated, I told Katie to call her Mum to come in and then what felt like a lifetime of labouring on both my stomach and back I felt exhaustion. I truly felt like I will die at this moment because the pain overtook my mind and I seriously thought there's no way in the world I can do this. I had my wife and our parents in tears as I screamed for them to please help me, I begged them screaming 'SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP ME I CAN'T DO THIS.' I tried to zone out and take my mind to a different place as I had a one piece of sanity in the background of all of this, it was my music. I tried to zone out as much as I could but I just could not cope with the pain.

By 1:30 pm I was 10cm dilated and started pushing at 2 pm. The plan forever was to only have Katie and me in the room when the pushing started but at this point, I was so overwhelmed with the pain I didn't care anymore, and as the saying goes everything happens for a reason. I pushed for a total of 57 minutes while poor Dad was on the wet cloth on my forehead duty Two Mums on one arm and Katie on the other while I had a midwife holding up each of my two legs. I screamed 'I can't do this cut her out of me now!!' They all told me I could do this and I was doing this although I felt like I wasn't. Throughout that whole labour our baby girl never changed her heart rate she was chill and stable and perfect quite like she is now. Shiloh Aspen Pigram was born at 2:57 pm with the chord wrapped her neck, her Mama Katie got to cut the chord twice and it took a few long seconds for Shiloh to take her first breath and change her skin from purple to a more natural skin tone. She was laid on my chest and I was utterly exhausted and thought to myself this is what they mean when they say the pain and memory will go away when you finally see their face. At 2:57 pm we took our first family photo- thank the lords we did.

My parents decided to leave the room and grab a drink while they cleaned me up and got out the placenta. Midwife A asked B to put a needle in my thigh to help release the placenta out and minimise any breakage. She did so and I remember the placenta coming out, while A had a look for any tears in it and B left the room. Before I knew it there was what felt like 20 medical staff in the room, my legs were still shaking from pushing and I felt delirious asking what's going on?! Two Doctors told me I was bleeding a little and they needed to try and find the source of the bleed I remember never being so scared in my life. I had two doctors examining my Vagina while putting medication up my bum, I had someone on blood pressure, someone on my heart rate, someone trying to squeeze colostrum out of my nipples. My wife screamed what's happening and they kicked her and my mother in law out of the room. I felt alone and scared for my life and within 30 seconds they took Shiloh off me as she started changing colour. I screamed I want my wife back and B felt like this was cruel and she went and got her for me. As they examined me one Dr asked another if my uterus was contracting on its own and the other Dr replied with only when I hold it down he said ok good and Katie saw her hit him on the leg and say only when i'm holding it down (Katie was oblivious to what this meant). He said 'oh that's not good we need to get her to surgery now,' confused filled with exhaustion, just trying to process the fact I've just given birth to this baby and held her for a couple of minutes and now I'm being told I need to go to surgery ASAP, to say I was petrified was an understatement. The Doctors said I needed a spinal and luckily Katie was there to tell them if a spinal was needed the anesthetist had said I was to have an ultrasound because of course you guessed it I have Scoliosis. They told her there was no time for that and they needed to put me under for surgery. Within seconds I was rushed out no time to say goodbye and I passed my parents in the hallway while a Dr sat on my uterus to hold it down on the way to theatre, My midwife didn't take me to theatre no one was there to tell me I was gonna be ok I have never been more scared in my life.

I was pushed through the door of the theatre room and all I could hear was 'She's category one we need to move now, now, now!' I was shaking head to toe and it felt like forever for them to put me under as they were struggling to find a vain because I had lost so much blood. Two lovely people in theatre held my hands while I cried until they put me to sleep, I wondered if I was ever going to get to hold my baby girl, to kiss her and to be her Mama.

I remember waking up and asking where am I as I was being pushed out of surgery into recovery and it was maybe 5:30 pm and all I wanted was my wife and my baby. I was told I had to be monitored for 30 mins to make sure my vitals were stable and then I could go and be with them. I had a nurse one on one with me and she kept checking my bleeding to monitor the blood loss, the surgeon came and told me I had lost a lot of blood and in surgery, they repaired a tear in my vaginal wall and removed pieces of the placenta in my uterus that had come apart. As he left me in recovery I remember telling the nurse I was scared I wanted my baby and I felt like I was bleeding. She called the surgeon back over after monitoring my blood loss and said she was concerned as I had filled three pads in 20 mins and he told her it should be fine just keep an eye on it. Maybe 5 mins passed and I told her I was scared I could feel myself bleeding, she called another surgeon over who was not in the first Surgery, she brought a few other medical team members with her. The Surgeon asked if it was okay for her to push on my uterus to ensure it was contracting down- a natural process that usually happens after labour, I said I was scared and she promised to be gentle. As she pushed down on my uterus I screamed as I felt blood pour out of my vagina, she said 'we need to get you back into surgery now' I cried I' want my wife Katie,' she promised to go brief my family and bring Katie back, she told me I will most likely going to lose my uterus tonight I looked into her eyes and I asked for her to promise me that I will not die tonight, 'I don't care about my uterus but please I'm begging you, please don't let me die.' She looked at me and said 'I promise you.' I was in the pre-operating room getting prepped for surgery and within minutes Katie was there by my side holding my hand telling me she loves me, How much does Shiloh weigh? Is she ok? Is she healthy? These were answers no one had given me 3 hours after my baby was born. All I needed to know was that she was ok and that Katie was ok and I needed her to tell me she loved me and I knew while fighting through tears, a trembling voice and sheer fear that I would somehow be ok.

........To be continued..........