I've been struggling a little with reliving this part of my journey, not so much the physical side of trauma but the emotional side of things, so I apologise for the delay. I guess I was imagining telling my story in my head to people that this would be easy. I have relieved every moment from these early days in my head over and over every single day and it still hurts me. People have written such beautiful messages to me, telling me how much my story has touched them, how strong they think I am and how sad it's made them feel. Honestly, I sit here typing and I can't picture myself as strong and I still can't believe how many people have been touched by my story let alone read it. All I ever wanted was to be a little voice and help somebody out there who may have had a difficult time, so thank you from the bottom of my heart for being a part of my story.
I was completely out of my mind but I remember signing pieces of paper that stated I agreed to any blood transfusions if needed and that I understood my uterus may be cut out. I didn't really care I just wanted to know I would make it out alive and as happy as I could for my girls. I kissed my wife and told her I loved her and made her promise me that she would hold our baby girl and tell her how much her Mummy loves her and that I would be with her soon. I said see you soon with tears in my eyes as I was pushed into the theatre. I said to the orderly I was scared and entered the room and saw some familiar faces from my previous surgery which settled me down a little. They lifted me off my bed using a slide sheet and put me onto the procedure table, as they pulled the slide sheet out all I remember seeing was a cream coloured board covered in a dark layer of red and it terrified me, it still haunts me to this day. I closed my eyes for a second time as they put me under and held my hand tightly. I remember taking a breath feeling my heart racing wondering if I'll ever see my baby girl and hold her in my arms, smell her fresh baby smell and hear her cry. I couldn't help but be afraid that everything could be gone in a split second, would Shiloh ever know who I am? Would she know how much I loved her? Would she know how much I wanted her, how hard we fought to have her and how she was more than anything I ever dreamt of?
I opened my eyes, everything was a blur I was back in recovery, surgery was over, My surgeon briefed me about what had happened. I had three blood transfusions I had a postpartum hemorrhage total blood loss of 3.6 liters (minimum.) The surgeon told me "You had a uterus that was unable to contract so your uterus had pooled with blood and I had to hand express out blood clots, I then had to place a Bakri balloon inside your uterus and pack it with a roll of bandage which we will remove in 12 hours time." She told me "We saved your uterus, if we had waited five minutes longer it would have been gone." I cried and said, "Thank you for saving my life." I had to stay and be monitored for a few more hours to ensure I was stable and wasn't needed to go back into surgery for a third time. My legs were hooked up to Intermittent pneumatic compression (IPC) Machines, and they basically mimick walking so you don't get blood clots, I had tubes coming out of me everywhere, I was hooked up to an ECG and I had 4 cannulas in both my arms and hands and I was covered in bruises from multiple needles and collapsed veins. I had two tubes going into my vagina, one was a catheter and one was for blood loss in my uterus. I couldn't walk. I asked for Katie and Shiloh, I needed a hug, I needed reassurance, I needed to hold them, I needed my family. The nurses told me I had to wait until I was the last patient in there until my family was allowed to see me. After what felt like a lifetime they told me I could see my girls but only for 10 minutes and then they had to go back to Maternity as there was no trained midwife in recovery. At 9:30 pm I finally got to hold my baby again, kiss her beautiful face and tell her I loved her more than anything in this world. Before I knew it they had to leave me again until I was allowed to go back to my own room. Turns out I needed a fourth blood transfusion and then run blood tests to check my hemoglobin levels again before I was allowed to leave recovery. I was finally pushed out of recovery to go to my own room at 1:20 am.
Over 10 hours after I gave birth to my beautiful daughter I was finally reunited with my girls for good. I was in a high care ICU room with 24-hour Midwife care, which meant I had a Midwife sitting by my bedside every second of the night checking my vitals and running blood tests every 6 hours. Katie held me and Shiloh and I just felt a love I never knew existed. Katie filled me in on the moments I had missed out on, the part where Katie was thrown in a hallway with Shiloh, handed a bottle of formula and not given an actual room to have while they waited for me for the 10 hours, she was told they shove dads in the hallway all the time she's no different. She was questioned if that was even her baby by passing midwives and after explaining she was the other mum, they said, "I guess I'll have to take your word for that then." Mum and Dad left to go home at about 2:00 am as they had been waiting to make sure their baby was ok and wanted to see me reunite with my little family, they later told me that was the hardest day of their lives. I didn't sleep that night, I cried because all of this still didn't feel real. How is it possible that we have been through the hardest most exhausting, scariest experience of our lives, almost lost my life and I'm sitting here holding the most beautiful baby I've ever seen. I've made it, this is my life truly beginning, I'm all I ever wanted to be in this world, I'm a Mum.
At about 7:00 am that morning the first day waking up as a new family, which should be such a happy time for us, we were woken by an apology from the head of the department to formally apologise for the way we were treated more specifically- Katie, in the Hospital while I was in surgery. It's 2019 and we still have homophobic people working in the health sector of a government organisation- how sad.
I started my 5th blood transfusion and I had a total of 7 Litres of fluid replenished back into my body. I had two surgeons come and see me and check on me and I remember the head surgeon sat next to me and her eyes were full of tears and compassion and couldn't believe what I had been through, she had just recently had a baby herself so she really put herself in my shoes. I remember thinking I looked like a puffer fish because of all the fluid and the nonstop tears falling from my face, but I didn't care. Shift change happened and we were blessed with the best person we met in this whole experience- Midwife E. She was the most real person we had met. E came and sat next to Katie and I and told us that what happened to us was not normal, basically, it was fucked up and unfair and not how our birth should have happened. E explained the importance of early intervention and that we needed to sit down and talk about the trauma before we wake up in six months' time and it hits us like a freight train. I'm so grateful to have crossed paths with E and I still speak to her to this day and have a good relationship with her, I will be forever grateful to have met her. I just remember how much positive energy she brought my family, they actually still talk about E and how she made me feel like a warrior. My parents and Best friend came to the hospital and sat by my bed all day. At around 11:00am the Doctor came to remove my balloon and bandages. I remember the bandage was soaked in blood and it felt like when they pulled it out of me the bandage just kept coming it felt like meters and meters I just thought like how?! I struggled running on adrenaline and only having slept in surgery, trying to get Shiloh to breastfeed. If there was anything I wanted to do when I had Shiloh it was to breastfeed her. I tried but at this stage, there was nothing in my breasts due to the mass blood loss so I had to try and get her to latch every time she fed and then give her formula, but as long as she got a full belly and was happy that's all that mattered to me. Midwife E was amazing she refused to go on her lunch break because she promised me she'd bathe me and she didn't want to let me down, so almost 24 hours after I gave birth I was able to have a sponge bath (lovely I know) due to not being able to walk, so Katie and E went to town cleaning me, while still being able to make me laugh and put a smile on my face by making stupid comments about a sponge bath haha.
That night I was overtired I was broken, I was reliving all the moments from the day and night before, I could hear Shiloh crying and knowing I couldn't get up and walk over and pick up my baby broke me. I longed to change her dirty nappy and dress her in a new outfit- yes I can do this a million more times but these were new special moments and I hated that I couldn't do these simple things and I don't get to relive this and start over. Her first days in this world and I didn't feel like I was the Mum I needed to be for her. I was healing and yes I had been through a lot but none of that mattered to me, all I cared about was that I couldn't be the Mummy she needed me to be and that is something I live with every day. I tried to close my eyes and go to sleep and every time I shut them all I could see was the theatre room and the slide sheet being pulled out from underneath me covered in blood. I was having flashbacks, I was inconsolable and I was a mess. Katie had to go and find the midwife in charge of the floor to get approval to medicate me to put me to sleep. To know that I couldn't even be in control of my own sleep was a horrible feeling, I felt like a mental patient.
The next morning I was taken up to the regular maternity ward, luckily a private room with a little window seat for Katie to sleep on which was good because that became our home for the next 4 days, and there's no way I could have cared for Shiloh and not have Katie there. That Thursday was a big day for kicking goals, I managed to get to the shower with two people helping me walk and sat in the shower chair while Katie washed me. Finally a proper clean body and freshly washed hair, I instantly felt better, My mum was there all day with us and a couple of friends came in the afternoon and my Dad came and sat with me after work. The Midwife that night told me to try - if I was up to it, to try and take baby steps. The longer the catheter stayed in, the harder it will be to retrain my bladder. I sat in my bed crying because I was scared they would take it out and I wouldn't be able to make it to the toilet. But you know what? I tried my little heart out to take baby steps to the toilet and I told the midwife to take out the catheter at 9:00pm on Thursday night. "I can do it, I'll be ok." You know what, I did do it and I was ok.
Friday Morning at about 5am Shiloh let out a little cry, Katie was exhausted and didn't wake up, I told myself I can do this, I don't need anyone's help. I put my legs on the side of the bed and took three steps to the bassinet. I looked at my baby girl and just cried tears of happiness, this was the first time I could get up to my baby's cry, I changed her nappy and fed her some formula, I did it all on my own. Something so simple to some but such a milestone for me. I can achieve anything in this world, honestly this was one of the happiest moments since giving birth to Shiloh. Meeting with Doctors throughout the week, I wanted answers as to how this happened, could it have been prevented or was it destined? When I asked if this is something that happens all the time, I was told that postpartum hemorrhages happen every day and it's normal. Yet almost every medical team member that came in contact with me for the first time had to comment about the blood loss. Every single one said "I can't believe you lost 3.6L" "You're the one with the massive PPH." I wanted to be told the facts about a PPH and how much blood is usually lost, so I asked one of the midwives who was in charge. She came and saw me and I asked her to dumb it down for me, she explained in this hospital all the bad PPH's get flown in to GCUH and it happens a lot here however a PPH of 500ml or over usually happens to only 8% of women in QLD, and you lost a lot more than 500ml. To give you an idea a pregnant woman usually has anywhere between 5.5L-8L of blood, usually the body goes into shock and can result in a coma and death when losing 40% of your total blood loss, this is why so many grandparents used to pass away in childbirth, and I'm so thankful for modern medicine and blood supply on hand. This is why you should always donate blood if you're in the position to be able to do so, donors are the reason I'm still here today.
We finally got to go home on Sunday Arvo and have three amazing Midwives who have kept in contact with us- T, E and Fancy Salad - Love you three. Fancy Salad (personal joke) actually came up to our room during her shift to say goodbye to us, she gave us so much love and support while we were in that dark room all day. She told us we were blessed with this beautiful girl- which we well and truly knew, but we were happy to hear it again. She turned to Shiloh and said these words I’ll never forget. She said “You don’t know it yet, but you hit the jackpot with these two as your Mums. One day you’ll realise how lucky you are to have them.” ♡
I pride myself on being a social butterfly in this world, I will generally talk to anyone and I always joke that make friends wherever I go. We had over 50 people come to our home for our baby shower and celebrate our girl coming into the world. I can honestly say that after going through the most traumatic experience of your life, laying in a hospital bed, trying to put all the pieces of the puzzle back together, trying to comprehend that things could have gone in a horrible, different direction, your realise who really cares about you. I always thought I had a massive support system, I had a lot of 'friends,' but I guess when it comes down to it, I really don't. I don't know how many times I sat at home and cried my eyes out because family, friends and people I thought cared about us didn't ask us how we were. Whether it be from fear, not knowing what to say and how to say it, not fully understanding the extent of our experience or what it was, I honestly don't know why but they stopped asking. They stopped showing they cared. It hurt, more than i'll ever be able to share with you.
Katie had to go back to work two weeks after I gave birth. I was physically struggling still, mentally - struggle was an understatement. Katie works in retail and it was December- enough said. I don't know how many times I argued with her via msg or calls because I was at home sad, feeling like I had no idea what I was doing and she was busy at work doing ridiculous hours because yep Christmas. Luckily I had my Mum and my best friend would pop over often and check in on me. I know it absolutely broke Katie not being able to be there for us as much as she wanted to. The first week at home without Katie here, Shiloh wouldn't calm for me, I felt like she didn't know who I was and it tore me apart. I tried to breastfeed and pump and formula feed and it was all too much for me and I still had very little milk supply. I had been on medication for two weeks and it didn't help my supply, I was a broken woman and for the hunger of my child and the sake of my mental health something had to give, and that was breastfeeding. My midwife who had been looking after me at home (B) was happy because she knew how hard it had been on me and she reassured me that I did the best I could. Staying at home with Shiloh on my own felt like a new world, it was all I ever wanted but this baby never let me put her down during the day when I was alone, she would just cry for me. I started seeing my psychologist, (I have PTSD & Postnatal Depression) she said for what I had been through what I was feeling was normal, she told me Shiloh isn't stupid, she can sense I'm struggling and she knows I need her more than she needs me. She told me she knows I'm tired and broken and she knows I need affection and that's her way of giving me that by never wanting me to put her down. I still think about this often and I always thought it's ok for your baby to cry but if she wants me to hold her and hug her and love her all day long then that's what I'm going to do because i've wanted her more than anything- why wouldn't I adore this affection while she still wants my love - before she grows up and it's no longer cool anymore.
Yes I'm SO BLOODY LUCKY, yes our baby is gorgeous and she actually has the nickname dream baby - because she's slept through the night since six weeks old, but none of this changes what we went through, nothing takes away the pain of not holding your daughter for longer than 5 minutes in the 10 hours after she was born. I don't ever get to get that time back. Would I do it all over again to have the same outcome? In an absolute heartbeat! I would give anything to have our baby girl she is the rarest of diamonds and we're the luckiest pair of Mamas in this World. That doesn’t change or dismiss what we went through though.
This journey has really tested me. I've had troubled pasts I have had experiences in my life that have truly tested me, but I have never had my mental health tested like this. The Loneliness I have felt at times is overwhelming. If you know me truly, you know I'm sometimes a savage I don't always have a filter and I call things as I see them. One thing I will say about me is despite all of this I'm a real friend- I may be honest but I am real and if anyone in my life went through half of this I would be there by their side holding their hand, living this experience with them. It hurts me that I didn't get that from some people I thought I loved the most. People that didn't come and meet Shiloh, didn't ask me if I was ok and didn't check in and tell me they loved me, despite issues in the past, if they cared they would have told me they were there and sadly some didn't. My psychologist told me I get myself down because I expect from those what I would give to them- Amen Sistaaaa.
Someone recently told me that people come into your life for only a certain time and that's ok they were there for just a few chapters, they were there to test you and make you realise who matters and who doesn't and maybe that's true.
Time heals everything they say, and I know i'll be okay because despite what I sometimes think, I'm stronger than I believe and this is only the beginning of the rest of our lives. I count my lucky stars ever single day and I live my life full of love and know my heart is always on my sleeve, maybe that's my downfall but that's me . Even the toughest people get knocked down, it's how we get up afterwards and where we go next that matters most.
Love you all, thank you for reading my second chapter I hope you stick around for the next blog
xx
Jess
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